harrumph

Ten things by which I am flummoxed:

  1. People who would rather be liked than respected, and behave accordingly
  2. Leaky plastic lids on takeout coffee cups
  3. Web sites that only run on one browser, on one platform
  4. Bad, prolific, pompous writers
  5. Sexual repression, especially as manifested as personal shame on behalf of others
  6. No HotSync conduit for Microsoft Outlook 2001 for Mac. I mean, really.
  7. The elevators in my office building: up and down they go, where they’ll stop nobody knows
  8. The continued presence in popular culture of such horrors as Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, Christina “Twisted Sister” Aguilera, Mariah Carey and George W. Bush
  9. That anyone, anywhere, ever, would care about this [thanks to The Morning Fix for the link]
  10. Four-panel pants

open mic

For those of you who missed it, Phineas, Molly, Stephen and I had a bangup time seeing Coz do the open mic thing at Vaughan’s Pub last night. Lots of people play lots of 80s tunes that we just happen to know all the words to. It’s kind of like the Brew & View with music instead. Although I must say I don’t know whether to be proud or ashamed of the fact that I and all my friends know the lyrics to songs by the J.Geils Band.

Anyway. As if the musical festivities weren’t enough, someone at some point said something that we all agreed should have been a haiku. Which, as you might imagine, led to some trouble. Here are some of my favorites, freshly transposed from the original cocktail napkins just for you:

should be a haiku

drives too fast and talks too much

but it’s really not.

[Molly]

…and then there was the mullet phase…

matching mullets and

auto parts jackets prove our

love is eternal

[Phineas]

in the corner store

rare breed, mexican mullet

it will race for you

[me]

…followed by the inevitable economic debate…

louisa buys beer

phineas buys beer as well

molly buys no beer

[Molly]

irresponsible

shoes and drinks and eating out

molly buys no beer

[ibid]

poverty haiku

internet has claimed one more

someone must be blamed

[me]

…did I mention the bass player?

i play my bass now

all with the shaking of ass

what, you don’t like me?

[Stephen]

i play bass real good

least that’s what my friends all say

you should worship me

[me]

i play bass real good

my friends told me, “start a band!

just please do not sing.”

[Molly]

… and then it got late.

too late for haiku

not too late for one more beer

silly people, sing!

[me]

beer stains on napkins

too late nights with too much

sleepy happy kids

[Molly]

the moral of the story:

write some bad haiku

when you’re sober, they’re stupid

fuck it, we were drunk.

[me]

Thank you. Thankyouverymuch. And a good day to you all.

the verdict

Heard from the doctor. Word is, I’m completely healthy. Alarmingly healthy, in fact. Judging by the results of my lab tests, I could quite easily live forever. So how come I don’t feel so good?

This period (ongoing) of spotty, low-quality posting is brought to you by my meager attempts at stress reduction.

This week, we are working

This week, we are working on the Functional Specification for our current (8-headed hydra of a) project. Today, I am writing the overview for this 300-page behemoth. It will not, unfortunately, read as follows:

This document will:

• confuse the everliving shit out of you

• tell you nothing you didn’t already know

• confuse what you thought you already knew

This document will not:

• provide you with any sort of clear picture of what you’ll get at the conclusion of the project

• shed light on any of your previously submitted questions

• be followed by us, either, unless it’s convenient

The purpose of the control tables is to confuse you and confound our development team. The purpose of the wireframes is to make you squint. The purpose of the pitiful little explanation sections is to make you keep reading in hopes that some portion of this enormous document will turn out to be in english.

Which it will not.