Translation:
Today: after 3 minutes outside, you will not be able to feel your kneecaps. Overnight tonight: try not to touch anything metal. Particularly not with your tongue.
Sunday & Monday: a brief heat wave sweeps across Chicago, bringing with it the possibility of temperatures above freezing from 2:45-2:55 on Monday afternoon. Of course, there will also be a blizzard, so you probably won’t notice.
Tuesday: the snow continues to look pretty during the day. In the evening, the winds pick up again, freezing every inch of pavement in the city into a solid sheet of ice. Advisory: do not leave the house.
Wednesday: you might make it 10 minutes before your jeans freeze to your legs.
Thursday & Friday: see Wednesday, with more snow.
Saturday: ditto, minus the snow
Sunday & Monday: rising temperatures will give you hope that the brutal Chicago winter is beginning to let up a bit. Tuesday’s ice storm will crush those feeble hopes like an orange popsicle under the heel of one of those awful 80s moon boots.