Dear Altoids:
I would like to register a complaint regarding your recently released Curiously Strong Tangerine Sours. In the space of four days, my entire family – myself, my husband, and our 6-year-old son Jimmy – became seriously addicted to your little orange orbs of destruction. Two weeks later, we find ourselves wondering which will disappear first – our family bank account or our collective stomach linings. Now that our combined daily habit is up to 36 tins, and since the candies are not yet available in bulk at our local Sam’s Club, we have been reduced to splitting up to cover all of the grocery and convenience stores in a tri-county area just to get our fix.
Moreover, I have developed compound cold sores from the acidity of the sour coating, and poor Jimmy complains of a constant stomach ache. We tried to keep the candies away from him by placing them in a locked kitchen cabinet, but after he spent 45 minutes banging his head on the cupboard door and wailing we feared he might do himself harm and gave him what he wanted – a fresh tin all to himself. Twenty minutes later, he was back for more.
We were a normal, happy family before this madness began. We were fine, upstanding members of our community, and Jimmy was at the top of his 2nd grade class. Now, we’re junkies, any time we spend without the ‘Rinies spent fantasizing about our next fix. I beg you, in the name of all that’s sacred, to remove these candied bites of doom from the market before the entire nation is enslaved.
It’s too late for my family, but there may be hope for others. Please, I urge you to take action now. Now, before it’s too late.
Sincerely,
Soured Out in Saugatuck
I was going to call and complain, however my mouth is so soured from them that I look as though I’d ingested several gallons of alum and vinegar.