kicking and screaming

i always feel a grudging sort of gratitude when a snippet of pop culture triggers something. my academic side rebels against it, but there it is just the same.

so i was watching sex and the city tonight and there was this episode i’ve never seen before (which isn’t really very surprising) and in it carrie’s dating all these freaks and she eventually turns into one herself. but it’s not the plot that got me. what got me was this bit in the closing monologue about her finding her own inner freak, “the woman whose fear ate her sanity”. and it occurred to me that that’s me. i’ve been so afraid of fucking up, of doing the wrong thing, of making the wrong choice, of being alone, of not being loved, of all these things i’ve sworn not to be afraid of, that the fear has taken over and i’m not in control of my own life anymore. and i decided it’s time to stop.

and it’s not quite better yet, but it will be.

i will be.