it has been a lovely thanksgiving. this despite the very, very difficult fact that stephen and i might well be no more in the very near future. molly and maggie and mike and mom and i ate duck and drank wine and calvados and coffee and more calvados and had a succession of wonderful chats. and despite the fact that nobody’s having an easy go of it right now, we were together and it was good. and perhaps what it all comes down to is how we all feel and see and manifest love. regardless of who knew whom at the beginning of the evening, we all walked out as family. and family is what it’s all about.
it is exceedingly difficult for me to imagine that this man who has been my companion, my friend, my lover for the past nine months might be gone. it strikes at my heart that what we each need we seem to not be able to give one another without great detriment to ourselves. ultimately, selfishly, it kills me that i can’t fix this. my mom tells me that this has been a thing with me since i was three, this idea of fixing things that are broken.
there are things that i cannot fix. i know this cognitively, but it breaks my heart to admit it. i wish it were not so. but either way, i give thanks for stephen, this man who has reminded me of so many things i might otherwise have taken for granted. i admire his tenderness, his passion, his curiosity, his heart. and when i count my blessings, i count him among them.
and that’s my thanksgiving. all of that, and every day that i realize how much love there is in my little world. which probably isn’t nearly often enough.