office space, part 2

Gracious, how could I have left that melancholy garbage up at the top for so long? I was busy enjoying myself in New York, that’s how. Didn’t even check my email one single time in five whole days. And stop sniggering – that’s serious progress for a junkie.

New York, by the way, was fabulous, thanks. But more about that later – right now, it’s high time I updated you, gentle readers, on the joys of my workspace. A few weeks back, I told you a little bit about the office in which I spend my days and some of the characters who inhabit it. But there’s so much more wealth to share here that I can’t bear not to share it. First off, here’s one of my favorite conversations in recent history, from last week when I realized that the connection between our email server and the outside world was down:

Me: Hi, I’m having a little problem with my email.
Tech Support Chick: [stares at me expressionlessly]
Me: I think the connection between the server and the outside world might be down – I’m only able to receive email from people within the network.
TSC: Yes, that’s a known issue.
Me: Um… do you know when this might be resolved? I’m waiting for some files that I need to meet my deadline.
TSC: No.
Me: OK, great. Thanks.

I did say it’s a lot like Dilbert around here, didn’t I?

There are a few more office characters as well. Props to MBrooks for coming up with good names when I was too braindead to do so…

The Lead Hummingbird – Lead as in the metal, not as in first among many. This woman obviously subscribes to the theorem that if your goal is to look busy and important, your best course of action is to never ever walk anywhere at a normal, relaxed pace. What you should do is, whenever you need to go somewhere (to make copies, send a fax, talk to your boss, kill some time, visit the toilet), walk as quickly and – this is important now, so pay attention – as loudly as possible. Make sure you have a worried, furrowed-brow expression on your face and stomp for all you’re worth. This will not only make it look as though you have altogether too much to think about, but also show your deep and abiding concern for the well-being of your corporate mater. Periodically – but at least once every two days, and more frequently in the days immediately preceding or following any time off – you should actually sprint across the office to your destination. If you master these simple strategies, you won’t even need to carry the usual props (piece of paper, pad and pan) – the sheer velocity of your presence will prove conclusively that you are indispensible to the organization.

This woman, last week, emerged from her boss’ office (where she was presumably in a meeting about something or other) and ran full throttle past my desk around the corner. Two minutes later, she ran back in the opposite direction. In heels. She was carrying nothing either time. Phineas suggested she might have left her wastebasket on fire. A clever ruse – I never would have thought of that.

Los Dos Caballeros – These two manager-type guys have the market cornered on marketing-speak. They add value. They probe demographics. They create opportunities to communicate. They make meetings endlessly long, profoundly tedious and tearjerkingly annoying. It’s impossible to look at a single wireframe with these two jokers in the room without having someone ask whether there’s space provided for marketing, whether each and every possible cross-selling opportunity has been examined, debating not whether it’s worth interrupting the customer for the seventeenth time to ask them if they want to buy something they’ve already refused, but whether the interruption should come in red or in blue. As with all good manager-type guys, as far as we are able to tell they do nothing at all except attend meetings, host meetings, talk to their underlings and go out to lunch, but we appreciate them for their appalling lack of knowledge of simple Chicago geography. To wit, a conversation from a few weeks back:

Caballero #1: [referring to some as-yet-unspecified downtown location. downtown is 30 minutes away by train.] Yeah, I gotta be there by 7. I gotta leave at 5 then, right?
Underling: Where are you going?
Caballero #1: The United Center.
Caballero #2: I don’t know where that is.
Underling: What’s the United Center?

These people work for United Airlines, for crying out loud.

It probably bears mentioning that one of Los Dos Caballeros is the Lead Hummingbird’s manager. Coincidental or causal? You be the judge.