oh, dear.

The holidays are a time of mixed blessings. A perfect example (several, in fact) of this was the 1st Annual Star Wars Holiday Special Party (& Inappropriate Ornament Contest) at Jeff’s last night. Star Wars Holiday Special? Is this some new thing you haven’t heard about yet? Did you miss it? Well, yes and no. You may never have heard of it before, but it’s not new. The SWHS aired during the holiday season in 1978. And yes, you missed it, but that’s really nothing to be sorry for. I promise. As Jeff put it:

“You have never seen a bigger piece of shit in your entire life than The Star Wars Holiday Special. It’s like a motherfucking train wreck.

“You. Cannot. Look. Away.”

He’s not kidding, folks. It’s all for real, right down to the performance by Jefferson Starship. I’m glad I’ve seen it, more or less so that I never, ever have to again. It was only an hour long, but I could swear I lost about a week off my life. So, mixed blessing #1: getting together with friends; sitting through the most abysmal piece of television any of us can remember having seen, ever.

On to part 2: the Inappropriate Ornament Competition. The instructions (again, from Jeff’s email) were as follows:

“Each partygoer is encouraged, nay URGED, to bring along an Xmas ornament of their own devising for entry into a contest, to be judged by popular vote. The theme of said ornaments is simple: be inappropriate. It’s my goal to have the most stupefyingly awful Christmas tree ever. Shock & Awe, kids. Shock & Awe.”

It was further indicated that owing to the other theme of the party, entries involving Star Wars characters would be highly regarded, and that biblical characters in compromising conditions would also rank high. A “LARGE prize” was to go to the lucky winner of the Most Inappropriate Ornament competition.

Now, considering the ridiculous artiness of most of the attendees, I didn’t really think anything I put together would stand much of a chance. Add to that a more or less complete lack of inspiration, and you’ll find me exactly where I was on Wednesday evening around 8:00: at home, drinking a glass of wine, with neither ornament nor more than a half-formed idea involving pipe cleaners and condoms. But then something magical happened. I took out the pipe cleaners, leafed through the craft suggestions pamphlet in the package, and behold! One of the muses (the one in charge of drunken epiphanies, what was her name again?) came and bashed me in the head. Roughly 25 minutes later, I had my ornament, which I have lovingly titled: And what do YOU want for Christmas, little girl?.

Well, he said inappropriate. Quit staring. It’s not polite.

As I said, though, I didn’t think I had much of a chance of winning. What with Andrew’s gingerbread Star Destroyer (which, by the way, is delicious), Phin’s Star Wars Nativity Scene, complete with R2D2 baby and scary-ass goat, and the host’s own Yoda Jesus on a cross, I was just happy to have managed to contribute. But when the time came for judging, there were actually two categories: Most Inappropriate and Most Needlessly Elaborate. And I won the prize.

[later addition: sorry, I forgot to mention that Andrew won (completely deservedly) the prize for Most Needlessly Elaborate. I got a giant plastic Santa; he got a crystal bowl (no, really) full of chocolate. Somehow I think I might not have got the better end of that deal. But hey, he spent days making templates from CAD drawings and I spent 20 minutes twisting up pipe cleaner, so I guess I really shouldn’t complain.]

The prize may well be scarier than the entry. Then again, I’ve been saying that I’d like something to curl up next to, keep me warm at night…

See what I mean about mixed blessings?