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May 17, 2002

:: Mojo Nixon was right. ::

Elvis is everywhere, and now the big fat sequin-clad slob is making yet another comeback in pop culture, with the release of the (admittedly fab) new Terry Gilliam-directed Nike Ad, he's reportedly expected to score yet another #1 hit with A Little Less Conversation, featured in the 180-second spot. To honor the King and prepare you for the radio onslaught that's sure to come, we herewith offer some Elvis trivia [facts courtesy of Popbitch; derisive commentary is the author's own]:

1. As well as cheeseburgers, Elvis ate deep fried squirrels. And you thought onions gave you bad breath.
2. He never performed oral sex on a lady. Never. Not once. How sexy does he look now, girls?
3. He had a twin that died in childbirth. Or maybe little Elvis just got hungry.
4. He shagged Priscilla when she was about 14. No wonder she fell for him. She was too young to realize how awful he was in bed.

May 15, 2002

:: ...and ladies... ::

As some of you have heard, Davezilla and I have been working on some tools to help you in your mating-and-dating life. We figured sometimes the sexes don't communicate quite as well as they should. So herewith, we present a little something for the ladies. [The gentlemen's counterpart can be found here.]

Part Two: Men's Glossary

Conceived and written by Davezilla

Whatever

1. So? I can’t do anything about it
2. You’re boring as Hell.
3. Shut up, the Man Show is on!

Fine

1. Yeah umm... I can’t think of anything to say in this situation.
2. Yes, your hideous little sister can go to the movies with us. But she pays her own way.
3. I’m going to drink out of every single container in the kitchen when you’re asleep and leave some backwash.

What do you want to do?

1. I’m going to sleep through it anyway.
2. We’re only seeing that stupid musical if it has some tits.
3. I don’t care. Your friend is tagging along and she bends over a lot.

Is that what you’re wearing?

1. I thought you had the ability to discern our Earth colors.
2. I see. It conveniently hides your stretch marks.
3. Great. I’m dating a Potato Bug with heels.

I’m happy as long as you are

1. I have beer.
2. The new issue of Tail Ends came in today.
3. I can see your nipples through that shirt.

How’s your mother?

1. Isn’t she dead yet, and why not?
2. I ate cheap, Mexican food today. I’m going to sit next to her.
3. If you turn into that Velociraptor when you’re her age, I’ll have you put down. Not a court in the land would dare convict me.

Let’s just be friends

1. Your best friend has a nicer rack.
2. You are so lame in bed, I thought I was committing necrophilia.
3. You’re... a girl?

I love you

1. You’re sensitive, caring, beautiful and don’t fuck with my tools.
2. I like thongs. You wear thongs. And that’s a good, good thing.
3. You’re the first chick who didn’t slap me when I tried that. Cool.

:: Gentlemen... ::

In the interest of furthering the positive communication between the genders, we here at Custom-Deluxe (certified pimptastic!), in cooperation with the fantaburific Davezilla have concoct- er, constructed this handy-dandy translation chart for all of your Significant Other's most charming phrases. [The ladies' counterpart can be found here.]

Part One: Women's Glossary

Conceived and written by Miss Weeza

Whatever

1. No, really. Whatever. Doesn’t make a damned bit of difference to me.
2. I’m just saying that because I really want to infuriate you and that’s the word that most infuriates me.
3. I’m even more passive agressive than you are. Fat chance of me ever telling you what I’ve got my panties in a twist about.

Fine

1. I’m not crazy about it, but I’ll live. No really. It’s fine.
2. I’m almost angry enough to say ‘Whatever’ but that’s your word. Bastard.
3. At the earliest opportunity I am going to go into your closet and cut tiny little holes in each and every article of clothing you own.

What do you want to do?

1. I don’t feel like making decisions today. Tell me what you feel like, and unless it’s a Monster Truck Rally, we’re probably going.
2. I know what I want to do; I want to see if you know me well enough to know what I want to do.
3. You told me three weeks ago that you wanted to go out with your scumbag friends tonight, probably to some titty bar. This is your last chance to change your mind, or else you’ll figure out real fast that my kickboxing class is doing more than making my ass look good.

Is that what you’re wearing?

1. You might want to rethink that.
2. That outfit’s fine, but I didn’t pick it out.
3. Those pants make your ass look good. Too good. I refuse to watch those sluts stare at you all night. Go put on your burlap sack. Now.

I’m happy as long as you are

1. As long as you make me come.
2. You scum-sucking pig.
3. I’m really and truly happy as long as you are, which is why I have no problem with you rolling around with whoever you want and going to the bars and getting tits rubbed in your face and getting falling-down-drunk with your idiotic monkey-with-a-stroke friends and not coming home until noon the next day. Here, have some of this nice fruity beverage I concocted just for you.

How’s your mother?

1. She hasn’t called me in a while. Is she mad at me?
2. That bitch.
3. I know she died a horrible painful death from leukemia when you were eight, but I’m still mad at you for that Potato Bug comment and I want to see you cry.

Let’s just be friends

1. You’re awful in bed. I just don't have the heart to tell you
2. My other fuck-buddy hasn’t found the right spots yet. Once he does, you’re history.
3. You’re such a pathetic, spineless slug that you might actually believe that, which means you’ll keep giving me rides and taking me out to expensive dinners and buying my drinks everywhere we go. All the while I’ll continue banging everyone but you and laughing behind your back.

I love you

1. This is the part where you tell me you love me too, and then we kiss and ride off into the sunset together.
2. You seem not to be a deadbeat, or a total slackjawed yokel. Also, you have some nice clothes. Let’s breed.
3. I’ve stopped taking the pill without telling you, and I’m six weeks pregnant with your child. I’ll be expecting a 10 carat diamond, princess cut, set in platinum, by 10:00 sharp tomorrow.

May 8, 2002

:: Name Those Hermit Crabs! ::

No, seriously. Name them. Here, I'll get you started:

1. Ms. TortoiseHead & 2. Mr. Miranda (after Carmen, bien sûr!)

May 6, 2002

:: WHERE ARE THE PICTURES?!? ::

Yeah, I know, I *know* already! They're coming! Sheesh.

May 1, 2002

:: Vive La France! ::

I'm telling you, sometimes I love the French so much I want to cry. Check it out.

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