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January 30, 2002

:: open mic ::

For those of you who missed it, Phineas, Molly, Stephen and I had a bangup time seeing Coz do the open mic thing at Vaughan's Pub last night. Lots of people play lots of 80s tunes that we just happen to know all the words to. It's kind of like the Brew & View with music instead. Although I must say I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed of the fact that I and all my friends know the lyrics to songs by the J.Geils Band.

Anyway. As if the musical festivities weren't enough, someone at some point said something that we all agreed should have been a haiku. Which, as you might imagine, led to some trouble. Here are some of my favorites, freshly transposed from the original cocktail napkins just for you:

should be a haiku

drives too fast and talks too much

but it's really not.

[Molly]

...and then there was the mullet phase...

matching mullets and

auto parts jackets prove our

love is eternal

[Phineas]

in the corner store

rare breed, mexican mullet

it will race for you

[me]

...followed by the inevitable economic debate...

louisa buys beer

phineas buys beer as well

molly buys no beer

[Molly]

irresponsible

shoes and drinks and eating out

molly buys no beer

[ibid]

poverty haiku

internet has claimed one more

someone must be blamed

[me]

...did I mention the bass player?

i play my bass now

all with the shaking of ass

what, you don't like me?

[Stephen]

i play bass real good

least that's what my friends all say

you should worship me

[me]

i play bass real good

my friends told me, "start a band!

just please do not sing."

[Molly]

... and then it got late.

too late for haiku

not too late for one more beer

silly people, sing!

[me]

beer stains on napkins

too late nights with too much

sleepy happy kids

[Molly]

the moral of the story:

write some bad haiku

when you're sober, they're stupid

fuck it, we were drunk.

[me]

Thank you. Thankyouverymuch. And a good day to you all.

January 29, 2002

:: ain't it the truth ::

"Clients should never be put on a pedestal. I see the client/contractor relationship in the form of prostitution. They are paying me to bend over. That's how I look at it. The only thing to save us is the Astroglide, which comes in the form of humor."

January 25, 2002

:: I am, apparently, my favorite ::

I am, apparently, my favorite albums by these artists. Does this mean I am self-aware?

I am the Bends.

Which are you?

also, I am Flood.

...and you are...?

January 23, 2002

:: Glengarry Glen Ross was excellent. ::

Glengarry Glen Ross was excellent. Afterwards, we went to Black Duck, which used to be one of my favorite restaurants (J.P.'s Eating Place, for those of you who remember it) and made a new friend. All in all, it was a good night.

January 22, 2002

:: the verdict ::

Heard from the doctor. Word is, I'm completely healthy. Alarmingly healthy, in fact. Judging by the results of my lab tests, I could quite easily live forever. So how come I don't feel so good?

This period (ongoing) of spotty, low-quality posting is brought to you by my meager attempts at stress reduction.

January 17, 2002

:: func spec haiku ::

Courtesy of a friend and coworker, Jeff:

Microsoft FuncSpec:

New product for consultants

to confuse clients.

Writing func spec doc

it stares at me, unchanging

my head will explode

produce document!

can you make this change for me?

i will kill you all.

must write func spec risks

no lizards from louisa

they will eat your flesh

:: This week, we are working ::

This week, we are working on the Functional Specification for our current (8-headed hydra of a) project. Today, I am writing the overview for this 300-page behemoth. It will not, unfortunately, read as follows:

This document will:

• confuse the everliving shit out of you

• tell you nothing you didn't already know

• confuse what you thought you already knew

This document will not:

• provide you with any sort of clear picture of what you'll get at the conclusion of the project

• shed light on any of your previously submitted questions

• be followed by us, either, unless it's convenient

The purpose of the control tables is to confuse you and confound our development team. The purpose of the wireframes is to make you squint. The purpose of the pitiful little explanation sections is to make you keep reading in hopes that some portion of this enormous document will turn out to be in english.

Which it will not.

:: no word ::

...from the doctor yet. She sat and listened to my symptoms and my woes for well nigh 20 minutes, bless her heart, and then took some blood and promised to call today if anything shows up. She seemed flummoxed. I suppose I would be too, but I had hoped for some kind of magic answer. Isn't that what doctors are for?

So I'm nervous. Kept waking up all night long. What if there's something really, seriously wrong with me? I'm not used to getting sick. A cold every year, sure. The flu now and again, no problem. But beyond that, I've always been unflappable. Let's hope that's not changing. I have a feeling I would make a very very bad sick person.

Keep yr collective fingers crossed, please.

January 16, 2002

:: Well, I'm off to the ::

Well, I'm off to the doctor to find out what's wrong with me (look forward to the list, everyone). In the meantime, I have discovered which David Lynch character I'm most like:

How about you?

January 11, 2002

:: The religious right. I ::

The religious right. I can never decide whether to be amused or appalled. The link to this site came to me from a coworker, while I was home sick, in an email with the subject header: "Something to make you sicker".

January 7, 2002

:: ooh, pretty ::

WOW.

January 3, 2002

:: sharing is caring ::

In the spirit of spreading joy and cheer, have this and this.

Don't say I never gave you anything.

:: The other day (before Christmas, ::

The other day (before Christmas, actually) I went to buy my lunch at the Hoagie Hut about a block away from my office, across State Street. As I was coming back, jaywalking across Jackson to avoid the light, there was an old woman teetering half-on, half-off the curb. She was sort of half-leaning over, seemed to be looking for something she'd dropped in the gutter. It took me a good ten seconds to realize she was peeing.

There's also this guy who sells Streetwise out in front of the Dunkin' Donuts that's a block from my office in the opposite direction. Most of the time he's holding the door for the people coming in and out, but today he was standing on the sidewalk facing the people leaving. He's always saying something but I'm not sure what - this morning when I looked at him I heard him: "God Bless You". Even though it's one of the most standard panhandler ploys, somehow today this caught my attention. There are a lot of homeless people living near my office building. Sometimes we forget, in the midst of our layoff scares and political game-playing. I'm just afraid I'm going to spot a dotcom refugee amongst them one of these days.

January 2, 2002

:: aaah ::

Just a few small stylesheet and template tweaks, but my oh my does this feel better... maybe it was just the Times New Roman that was getting to me.

:: Happy New Year ::

Apologies for the long hiatus to anyone who noticed it. I have spent the past 10 or so days doing little but cooking, eating, drinking and sleeping. In short, I've been in bliss. Back to the grindstone now, though.

I will also hereby admit that I'm finding it difficult to post lately - I fear my current attitude doesn't really live up to this pimptastic design. Mental note: fix that.

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