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November 30, 2001

:: Un Fabuleux Destin ::

Finally saw Le fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain tonight. More than a half hour later, I still haven't spoken a word. I don't want to break the spell. So what can I say about it? Nothing, really, that will do it justice. It made me laugh out loud. I was smiling through tears* for a good fifteen minutes after the screen went black. In my dreams tonight, I will fly.

It's marvellous. Go see it. Call me and I'll go with you.

November 28, 2001

:: late review and a return to propriety ::

I have decided to reintroduce capital letters into my nonprofessional writing world. We'll see how it goes. And now on to my belated concert review...

Saw Echo and the Bunnymen and the Psychedelic Furs at the Riviera on Monday night. Liquid nostalgia - just like being in 1986 again, only without the miserable puberty, and with a legal ID.

Echo played an inordinately long set - three songs before the end, the bass player actually put down his instrument and walked offstage. Said Ian: "Hey! where are you going? Come back! We're not done!" or whatever it is he really said - he's unintelligible as ever. Marcy says one time she saw an interview with him where they actually put subtitles at the bottom of the TV screen. Hilarious. They did a really horrible cover of Roadhouse Blues. Really. Horrible. Then again, they also did lovely versions of Lips Like Sugar, Killing Time, Bring on the Dancing Horses, etc., etc., so I suppose it all comes out in the wash.

Anyway. We all know I was really there to see Richard Butler et al, so while Ian and the Bunnyboys were fun, the real treat was seeing Richard being so unabashedly, unapologetically, flamboyantly, ridiculously 80s. The man's more 80s than Loverboy. He is cooler than cool. Comment of the night (courtesy of Coz, damn him for stealing my thunder again), and one of the best ever on the topic:

Coz: It's beginning to dawn on me that Richard Butler is just a perfect cross between Iggy Pop and Bryan Ferry.

Which, of course, is why I love him so.

On the way over, in the car, listening to All of This and Nothing on the stereo, I said that if they played Heaven I would probably just burst into tears. When I was in my teens, whenever I got on an airplane I would cue it up on my walkman so that the guitar and the plane took flight at the same time. Made me feel like I could fly too. And they closed with it, bless their hearts. I was right.

November 25, 2001

:: that buddha ::

one of my favorite things about greymatter is that in the administrative interface, there's a seemingly vast collection of randomized quotes that appear at the bottom of each page. i find it very fitting that this one just came up for me for the first time:

"When stepping into the stream of consciousness, don't slip on the rocks."

—Siddharta Gautama (the Buddha)

:: in the court ::

so i saw this utterly jaw-dropping, amazing show last night and what with one thing and another, i haven't quite had the heart to write about it. but it absolutely bears more than a mere mention, so here we go.

king crimson (and john paul jones, for that matter) were outstanding. my fingers resent typing the cliché, but it's true - they continue to surf the very outside edge of musical possibility. fripp's soundscapes paired with trey's sinuous and intricate bass lines, supported by pat mastellato's thundering percussion and overlaid with the not-so-sugary frenzy of adrian belew in full mad professor mode... fantastic. coz commented that their latest pieces seem to be not so much compositions as constructions, and i must agree - to a point. the fact still remains that between them, crimson are able to extract more nuance of sound from their instruments, more emotion from their combined effort, than i've seen anyone manage in quite a while. and no, they didn't play cat food.

it was a cerebral show on many levels - possibly the first rock concert i've ever attended where the entire audience remained seated for the duration (except for that one crazy hat-waving guy, bless him). i remember thinking at one point that it was actually not so unlike going to the symphony - there, the conductor is the performer and the orchestra a single animal, indistinguishable from the music they create. watching king crimson live last night was not unlike seeing four highly energetic conductors, directing the music itself, which was a living thing all its own, bulging, writhing, rising and falling. which might be why the idea of construction seems to make sense - each player channeling a part of the whole, the ensemble weaving it all together. the lighting provided a fine accompaniment - all colorscapes and simple patterns, structured movement focusing energy and directing attention. evocative and moody and all very fitting, very much a player in the ongoing creation.

so let's hear it for the power trio of abstraction, chaos and order. and let's hear it for robert fripp, trey gunn, pat mastellato and adrian belew.

and finally, many many thanks to coz. if he hadn't pressed me, i wouldn't have gone. and then how dumb would i feel?

:: humbled ::

i have now read some of my new friend maggie's work, and have decided she's a far better writer than i am ever likely to be.

not that this will stop me.

November 24, 2001

:: kicking and screaming ::

i always feel a grudging sort of gratitude when a snippet of pop culture triggers something. my academic side rebels against it, but there it is just the same.

so i was watching sex and the city tonight and there was this episode i've never seen before (which isn't really very surprising) and in it carrie's dating all these freaks and she eventually turns into one herself. but it's not the plot that got me. what got me was this bit in the closing monologue about her finding her own inner freak, "the woman whose fear ate her sanity". and it occurred to me that that's me. i've been so afraid of fucking up, of doing the wrong thing, of making the wrong choice, of being alone, of not being loved, of all these things i've sworn not to be afraid of, that the fear has taken over and i'm not in control of my own life anymore. and i decided it's time to stop.

and it's not quite better yet, but it will be.

i will be.

:: redux ::

how do you make god laugh?

make a plan.

[kicking and screaming, noah baumbach]

November 23, 2001

:: giving thanks ::

it has been a lovely thanksgiving. this despite the very, very difficult fact that stephen and i might well be no more in the very near future. molly and maggie and mike and mom and i ate duck and drank wine and calvados and coffee and more calvados and had a succession of wonderful chats. and despite the fact that nobody's having an easy go of it right now, we were together and it was good. and perhaps what it all comes down to is how we all feel and see and manifest love. regardless of who knew whom at the beginning of the evening, we all walked out as family. and family is what it's all about.

it is exceedingly difficult for me to imagine that this man who has been my companion, my friend, my lover for the past nine months might be gone. it strikes at my heart that what we each need we seem to not be able to give one another without great detriment to ourselves. ultimately, selfishly, it kills me that i can't fix this. my mom tells me that this has been a thing with me since i was three, this idea of fixing things that are broken.

there are things that i cannot fix. i know this cognitively, but it breaks my heart to admit it. i wish it were not so. but either way, i give thanks for stephen, this man who has reminded me of so many things i might otherwise have taken for granted. i admire his tenderness, his passion, his curiosity, his heart. and when i count my blessings, i count him among them.

and that's my thanksgiving. all of that, and every day that i realize how much love there is in my little world. which probably isn't nearly often enough.

November 18, 2001

:: harry potter ::

went to see harry potter and the sorcerer's stone last night. for the very few among you who don't already know, i'm a huge fan of the books - my only regret is that my first editions are american and not british versions. so what did i think of the film?

my first response was that, as a shorthand version of the book (i.e., provided you were able to fill in the holes in the story) it was pretty good. but the more i thought about it - and discussed it with my fellow moviegoers (who had not read the books for some unfathomable reason), the more i realized that there's a lot more wrong with the film than just the fact that you can't cover every nuance of the story in a movie, even if it is two and a half hours long. what began to bother me the most was that the characters - these characters that are so vivid and beautifully developed in the books - were, in the film, complete unknown quanitities aside from costuming. don't get me wrong - the casting is excellent and the performances brilliant (particular kudos to alan rickman as severus snape, who even with nothing to go on, script-wise, managed to come off creepy as hell). the film is lovely to look at, and the effects are fun and beautifully managed. there's just one problem - unless you've read the books, you've got no clue what the point is.

unless you've read the books, you don't even know the professor mcgonagall is head of gryffindor house. you don't know what she teaches, either (tranfiguration). you don't know anything about the discipline or study required to become a witch or wizard. you don't know professor flitwick's name, and you never even know that herbology exists. you never meet the overprotective madame pomfrey, and peeves doesn't even exist. they never even really explain the rules of quidditch, which makes it all look pretty dumb, even if the effects are pretty damned cool. overall, despite the limitations of time and scope dictated by the medium, i believe it's possible - and in a case like this, critical - to be choosy about what does and doesn't get included. i think characters - especially in a series like this one - are the crux of everything, and it's very disappointing to me that they were so underdeveloped.

i really did enjoy the film. i'll probably even buy the dvd. but i'm going to keep telling people to read the books - preferably *before* they see the movie, even if they never see the movie at all. so all of you: go read them. they're lovely.

and now i'm off to finish my fourth reading of harry potter and the goblet of fire.

November 17, 2001

:: the good news ::

...is that i had an excellent conversation with an excellent bunch of people earlier this evening, ranging from forces of nature to forces of the mind, from tornadoes to literary tours de force, from sailing to psychology. bless you all. you know who you are.

:: sad ::

"Sir, we ought to teach the people that they are doing wrong in worshipping the images and pictures in the temple."

Ramakrishna: "That's the way with you Calcutta people: you want to teach and peach. You want to give millions when you are beggars yourselves... Do you think God does not know that he is being worshipped in the images and pictures? If a worshipper should make a mistake, do you not think God will know his intent?"

- The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna

I have this evening discovered that there are still people in the world who equate mythology with politics, the mystery of faith with the stoicism of regulation, the beauty of a story with the structure of legislation. Young people. People who I had hoped would, if not know better, then at least hope for better. This makes me very, very sad.

November 16, 2001

:: morning ::

Phineas has updated his front page. Bless him. He's also working, which is even better. Granted, the clients logo is, in Phin's own words, "the gayest little lighthouse ever", but so be it. At least he won't be totally destitute.

Speaking of which, I'd better get a move on or I'm going to be late for work.

November 15, 2001

:: hallelujah ::

After more than two weeks of wrestling, i've finally been able to resurrect the site. ominously (or not), it died just as i was writing a bit of a thank you to the world on all hallow's eve. i still want to put it out there, though, so here it is:

there was this girl one time who spent a whole big chunk of her life trying to figure out what she might be good at, and never stopping to see what she was. and lots of things happened to her and lots of things she made happen and some were good and some were bad and there was laughter and there were tears and there were all the good and difficult things that this world has to offer, and then there came a day when she just stopped. only for a moment, stopped and just felt it. felt her life and the changing of the colors and the changing of her body and the changing of her heart and she looked in the mirror and saw a clear light shining there. and the years and the tears and the love and the sorrow stopped dragging her down and started holding her up. and the world opened. and the night was clear and crisp and cold and the moon was full.

and she sang and she danced and she gave thanks.

i give thanks. for this day and that day and those between and those to come. and for all of you who have been there.

now hear this.

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